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I remember when I told my mom I was going to marry a pastor, and the first words out of her mouth were, “He better not move you away from me.” Much to her dismay, her question became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I found myself living five states over, away from home, at twenty years old. It didn’t take long for me to learn that living away from family was just one of the many sacrifices that ministry would ask of me. Being the wife of a pastor carries many unique burdens, expectations, and different ways of thinking, but ministry is also a life filled with favor, blessings, opportunities, and meaningful life experiences that wouldn’t come otherwise. Over the course of seven years in fulltime ministry, I have developed a few philosophies that I think are unique to pastors' wives. These new “norms” for Jason and me have helped our marriage to remain healthy and thriving amidst the idiosyncrasies of life in the ministry.
Be his biggest cheerleader
This comes naturally for me because my general disposition is to be an encourager. Ministry is filled with highs and lows, and each high and low carries significant emotional swings. It is so difficult for pastors to not continuously be motivated and consumed with numbers. How many people showed up, how much money was given, how many AMENS were shouted? Numbers can dictate and control in a way that they shouldn’t, and I have found the best way to temper that control is to surround my husband with endless streams of affirmation. No one in the church should affirm my husband’s work ethic more than I do. We have all heard our share of lazy preacher jokes, but over time, I have learned that even when their hands aren’t working, Pastors’ hearts and minds are endlessly occupied. We make a big deal around our house about how hard daddy works and how important his work is, but no matter what is going on at the church, we think daddy is pretty amazing just because of who he is. I have come to realize that regardless of how profound his message was, how large the offering was, or even how many people showed up, my husband is still the most amazing man in my life, and he needs to be reminded of that frequently so that his worth isn’t dictated by numbers that are constantly fluctuating. Celebrate your man with words!
Respect his boundaries
As naturally as encouraging comes to me is how unnatural the second philosophy has been to implement into our marriage. Being a young newly married pastor’s wife, I was eager to share my life with Jason. It confounded me that he was not as eager to “share” as I was. I thought that living life together meant talking about life together, and it worried me when Jason didn’t tell me everything that happened throughout his day, especially in regards to church and ministry. I just assumed that if a couple was having marital issues and told Jason, I should know about those issues too. I was convinced that his love for me would be matched by his willingness to tell me all of his secrets. Several conversations (and complaints made by me) took place before it finally began to register that his integrity was what kept him silent, not his lack of affection. Not only do I now see it as I a positive that my husband does not share the confidential knowledge that he carries, I no longer ask him to. Don’t ask, because he really shouldn’t tell.
Value his schedule
Early on, it was easy to feel like my husband had a crazy schedule that was never conducive to family time. Bible study Mondays, choir practice Wednesdays, two service Sundays, and here I thought that pastors played golf all the time. A pastor’s schedule requires unique responsibilities. One example of this came a few years ago when I began to realize that my husband really needed to focus on Saturday evenings. I was always asking him to hang out with our friends or take me out on a date, but I finally realized we could date any night of the week, and that he was more likely to want to go out on a Sunday night and take Monday as an off day. I can’t have it both ways. If I get to enjoy the benefits of him being able to take the kids to school, I also have to understand he may be called away or need to be left alone to prepare at different times. Our new norm is that Saturday nights are off limits.
Every marriage, man, and church are different, so you have to learn what is most important to help him feel loved and supported. I’ve only been married to a pastor for 7 years so I know I have so much to learn, but these are the things I try to keep consistent in our home.
What is some advice you could share from your experience?
About the author
Andrea teaches senior English at Bullitt East High School while being married to a pastor, and parenting 2 daughters Sadie and Norah.
The movement of God is always forward. We have been made to soar and to embrace our future as God sees it. Forwardleadership is designed to engage leaders who have tomorrow in their hearts. Thank you for visiting.
by Angel Porter Boll on February 22, 2012
Andrea I giggled to myself when I read the line about moving away. I remember telling my mom "it's not like he's gonna move me to Alaska or something"!? (I live in Cleveland, OH). I spent the last 18 years hoping the Lord wouldn't make me a liar! We did move several hours from home at one point and it was during that time when I didn't have the security of family and familiar that our marriage grew the most. There is something about only having each other that makes you bond and draw close. For many years in the church it seemed the focus on pastoral wives was what they offered in skills. Can she play the piano? Can she teach? Will she work with the children? These are wonderful assets and there is nothing like the satisfaction of contributing to the growth of the church you and your husband have sacrificed to shepherd. However, ultimately the most important part of my ministry is at home, loving him and the kids and helping to bring balance and encouragement. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
by Twila Studer Angel on February 22, 2012
Thank you Andrea for sharing. Very good article with wisdom to help all of us who are pastor's wives. I have been in the ministry with my husband for 23 years and it has required that I live away from my family (for almost 22 years now). I grew up in a pastor's home which I believe has helped me but I have to admit being married to the pastor is much different than being the child of a pastor. The Lord gave me these verses quit a few years ago and I believe they may help someone else who is in the same place we are. Luke 18:29-30 NKJV So He (Jesus) said to them, "Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or parents or brothers or wife or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who shall not receive many times more in this present time, and in the age to come eternal life." I find myself revisiting these verses because I miss my family (parents, siblings, nieces, nephews) more now that I'm older. My kids are almost all grown and I realize how short life is and want to enjoy my family while I have them,(or while they have me). I am thankful for cell phones and the ability to Skype. Wish we had these pieces of technology and the ability to afford them when our kids were young. It would have helped keep us connected to our extended families. I have to say God is faithful and we can't go wrong putting our God first, then husband and children. Wherever we have lived I have tried to make it home for our family and I have to agree with Angel it does bond you and cause you to grow close. We have also kept our children involved and part of our ministry as well as being involved in their life and interest. Thanks for the reminder to keep being my husband's biggest cheerleader. Even after all these years. It's the one philosophy out of the three you mentioned that I have to work at. Be intentional about. Keep sharing. Blessings to you and your family.
by LuAnn Bradley on February 22, 2012
Great article! My husband and I have been in full-time ministry for 10 yrs now. 8 of that was in youth ministry and the last 2 years have been senior Pastors. There definitely are not enough helpful articles when you first get in the ministry..
by Oleda Atkinson on February 24, 2012
You have written a very wise blog regarding your life as a pastor's wife. Jason is blessed to have you as his helpmate. I was given the privilege of serving with my husband in ministry for 50 years. It was an on-going learning experience but one that brought great fulfillment. I too, had a Mom who resisted our move to first church 500 miles from her. Being an only child, I had to grow up in a hurry! For a positive balance to be maintained, the pastor has to be willing for his wife to not only be his cheerleader but also to listen to her loving critique, advice and to give her space to minister, as well. "Team" was our theme: "Together Each Accomplishes More."
by Gale Beth Rice on February 24, 2012
Very nice article, Andrea. Thank you for sharing in a very challenging subject. I agree with Oleda that we, as minister's wives, are in an on-going learning experience. We have all of the pressures of raising a family plus the life-lessons that come with the spiritual battles on the front lines. I have served with my full-time Sr. Pastor husband for over 18 years now. Maintaining a good sense of humor has helped us more than words can express. There is so much pressure & stress that comes with ministry and this is God's prescription for helping to remedy that. The Word tells us that laughter does good like a medicine. There has been many an evening that my husband and I have shaken-off the cares of the day with a good belly laugh. This has not always been a clear conviction of mine but I've learned, in hindsight, how important it is for all in the family. I've learned to lighten-up & make time for silliness & spontaneity. I would also like to add that communication is key. If you reach a season in your marriage where words fail, try writing your feelings down via email or on paper. Never stop, always press in to keep communication going. He needs to know & you need to vent. My free time to talk is usually after cleaning-up dinner dishes when he is wanting to "wind-down" and forget the stresses of the day. Because of this, we schedule and keep a weekly lunch date, where we both have opportunity to share the things that are important to us both. Lastly, "if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". We, as minister's wives, put so many others before ourselves. It took me many years to realize that my needs were also important. It's OK to take-on a hobby, actually finish a book, or indulge in a spa pedicure once in a while. I now make it happen and that makes my husband happy.
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